Parents - Teaching Well

Parenting Parents

As parents, we are a child’s first teachers and role models. The goal of this page is soul-searching. Turn inward and ask yourself, “Who am I ?” “Am I parenting in a conscious way ?”

Styles of Parenting
In the 1960’s, Diane Baumrind identified and named four styles of Parenting in the United States. (brighthorizon.com)

4 Styles of Parenting	Discipline	Communication	Nurturing	Expectation
Authoritarian or Disciplinarian	● strict ● little or no negotiation ● punishment	● one way from parents to child ● rules are not explained	● less nurturing	● high ● limited flexibility
Permissive or Indulgent	● permissive ● limited or no rules	● open ● children decide for themselves	● warm ● nurturing	● minimal or non
Uninvolved	● lots of freedom mostly due to lack of information or caring	● limited	● little	● few
Authoritative	● disciplinary rules are clear and explained	● frequent ● appropriate	● nurturing	● high but clear ● children have input

We all use a mixture of styles depending on our change in age, our children’s age change and changes in life circumstances. Since then, more and more “styles” are added to the category. “Helicopter” parenting is similar to the authoritative style, but with more involvement. Parents are constantly hovering over their children for protection and advice. “Free range” parenting resembles the uninvolved style. However, there is a conscious effort to allow more independent thinking. Both parents of these styles seem to put the child’s interest as the first priority. (Brighthorizon.com). “Mindful” parenting emphasizes reflection and contemplation as the way with children. At the core is awareness of the “present moment”. Mindfulness has its origin in the teaching of Eastern religious and philosophical traditions. It was introduced to the Western cultures by Jon Kabat-Zinn in the 1970’s.

Along the same line, but not as regiment is “conscious” parenting.

Conscious Parenting
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a clinical psychologist, specializes in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy. (drshefali.com). Her New York Times Bestseller “The Conscious Parent”, state that “conscious parenting is about becoming mindful of your behavior and engaging with your child as an individual”. (Hodder & Stoughton, Aug 28, 2014).

Self-reflection, the first step to conscious Parenting
Each of us, as an individual is shaped and molded by everything since birth.

(Nature vs nurture will be discussed in a separate topic.)

Conscious parenting, besides being conscious as a parent, is to reflect on how we were raised. Consciously and unconsciously, many of us raise our children the way we were raised.Yet, on the other hand, many of us who carry the unpleasant memories of childhood, will deliberately do the exact opposite of how we were raised.

Let’s move inward and do some soul-searching. The path to the soul is reflection. First do it with yourself. Then your partner should do the same. After that, we can consciously parent our children.

We have designed a tool for this process. But you can create your own path in this inner journey.

We think of our parents as a unit. They are actually two unique individuals from two entirely different backgrounds. Use an open heart and a non-judgemental mind, reflect on the following statements.

On a scale of 1 – 5,
1 = strongly disagree 2 = disagree 3 = neutral 4 = agree 5 = strongly agree

Reflection: How am I affected by my upbringing? What are the do’s and don’ts I learned as I raise my own children?

My parents are more like friends than parents to us even at an early age.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Reflection:_____________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________

Family roles and expectations are clearly defined and enforced.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Unfair treatment among children is an accepted fact. My parents do not see this as an issue.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Friends were always welcomed in our household. My parents were interested in them.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Sports, musical instruments and other after school activities were forced on us without our preference or input.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Home works and school assignments were done independently. Supports and assistance were given when needed. Mistakes were tolerated and corrected.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

As children, we were protected from family problems such as financial trouble, social and personal conflicts and marital issues.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

My parents value family quality time.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

My parents are good models to follow.

Mother: 1 2 3 4 5

Father: 1 2 3 4 5

Suggestions from Parenting experts:

There is no right and wrong answers to the above statements. It all depends on circumstances, environment, the personality of parents and children, and many other elements that are out of our control. Nevertheless, parenting experts in the United States suggested that:

Parents are not friends to their children.

As parents, we are our child’s first teacher, not their equal or peer. We define their boundaries and show them their place with confidence. Do not be afraid to correct them when needed. Guide them consciously with a positive attitude.

Rules and expectations:

Parents need to play the roles of parents, not friends. Roles are an important foundation on which a healthy family is built. Children feel more secure and confident of who they are if roles and expectations are well-defined. This sets their places and boundaries.

Rewards and praises vs. punishment:

“Catch them being good!” is the best way to foster desired behavior. However, this is easier to said than done. We tend to “catch” them being bad and dose out punishment accordingly. Praises boast self-esteem, help with emotional growth. Children are more likely to repeat the good behavior they are rewarded. (rewards do not have to be tangible. An approval smile, hug or kiss is all it takes.)

Unfair treatment among children:

Most parents claim they do not have favorites. However, children perceive things differently. The perception that a certain child is not special to the parents might affect his/her self esteem. In a family unit that is not close, this might also increase sibling rivalries. Reflect on our fairness with our children with a conscious mind.

Children’s friends:

Open your door to your children’s friends. Show interest in them. Friendship is going to be an important part of their life. At an early age, they learn about appropriate social interaction with peers. When they get older, their friends will be a good reference to who they are.

Consciously get to know your children’s friends (and their parents too.)

Home works and school assignments

Home works teach our learners responsibility, independence and self-reliance. We should be aware of their academic strength and weakness. Help them develop a good habit to view homework as a delight rather than a struggle. Avoid holding their hand or even taking over. This is the best chance for them to learn confidence, assurance and perseverance. Be conscious of the support and encouragement from you.

Shielding children from family issues

Even at an early age, children can sense the stress and anxiety of their parents. Managing our emotion and distress around our youngsters requires mindful wisdom. We are humans. Out of anger or frustration, we vent and unload our problems, forgetting they are only young children.

Most of them are not mature enough to understand adult emotions. Financial trouble, social / personal conflicts of adults induce fear and guilt in them. It is especially hurtful for young children if parents are experiencing marital difficulties.

Yet, on the other hand, we do not want to protect our children from every unpleasant experience. Children learn conflict resolution and problem solving by observing their parents. An overprotected child feels insecure and dependent. He/she will grow to be an immature and insecure adult.

Explain the issue calmly, safely and openly. Let them ask questions and express their thoughts and feelings. Be consciously mindful that one day, they too, will need to handle the problems you face.

Quality time

We live in a fast paced world with demanding workloads. Every day, we juggle project deadlines, work shifts, social life and the arrival of the next paycheck. Family time is reduced to eating a meal and/or watching a TV show together. Children need parents’ attention. Talk to them, listen to them. Lots of their misbehavior come from attention seeking. A little attention, showing you really care, can have a great impact on their mental and emotional health.

Parents as a good model (scanva.org)

Scanva.org listed 5 ways to be a role model for our child.

Respect others
Be mindful or conscious of how and when we communicate
Focus on the positive outlook, especially in the not so positive events
Manage your anger with a few deep breaths and your child will learn to handle stress
Teach the value of health in eating habits and screen time

Now reflect on the way you were raised. What are the remarkable footsteps you would follow? What are the ways you could improve? Add what are the pitfalls you should avoid?

Your partner should go through the same process of self-examination and discovery. Conscious parenting is a choice. Having children is our choice. Yet, their personality and temperate is not our choice. We will look at “children” next

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